What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 05:00
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She wouldn,t have been !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
Have you ever accidentally found out that you were about to be fired?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She loved him until the end.
This is soul school!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im still living with it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We all went to grammer schools
But ive been too sick for many years..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i do to all so called friends.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Would this be the day?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But, we were locked up after school.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
Who then, do I blame.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
We were not on the streets..
I was scared of men, in general
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Was to survive, this bastard.
I will be 64.
What did i know ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
All the time i was locked up.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I don,t even have a pension.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Comes on , in middle age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was very sick at this time too.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It was going to be , some day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I said to her
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it wasn’t much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I think the readers, may guess!
I have no regrets .